Shidduchim- Lets Start At The Very Beginning
M’nucha Bialik, International Shidduch Coach
“At first, I felt uncomfortable writing about shidduchim after the scary, crazy, horrific attack on Simchas Torah – I wasn’t sure if it’s the right time to talk about shidduchim knowing that so many people were brutally killed and knowing that there are so many soldiers fighting and risking their lives, and knowing that there are rockets literally flying above my head – even now (we still are hearing “booms” even today – the rockets have slowed down, but they haven’t stopped). But, now that the dust settled a bit, I’m ready to continue.
This is exactly the time people should desire to find their bashert and get married! This is the time to do mitzvos, and although not everyone considers getting married to be an actual mitzvah, EVERYONE agrees that it is cheftzai shamayim – something that Hashem wants, and it enables one to do many, many more mitzvos, thus it’s permissible to talk about shidduchim even on Shabbos and even during the 9 days. So, even in the midst of tragedy, we can and we should talk about shidduchim.
We just had Simchas Torah, we have a renewed energy, and are starting the year anew and are beginning again now!
While I’ve been writing these newsletters for many years now, all of you have subscribed at different times, and I realize from talking to people of all ages, from all different backgrounds, that many people are still missing some crucial information. I’d like to share with you my perspective and my understanding of shidduchim and the “shidduch crisis” – we will go through all this step by step, so you can understand what’s really going on and you can understand and believe not because I’m saying this, but because it is logical and it makes sense and it is what the Torah seems to tell us about life, shidduchim, and everything.
So now, I’d like to start at the beginning and take you step by step along the entire process. Please, bear with me – in this newsletter and in all the following newsletters, I will take you on a journey through which we will get an understanding of what shidduchim is really all about and how it works.
First, we need to start with sefer Bereishis. I know that this is basic to many of you, if not all of you – the problem is that as you learned in geometry, to prove proofs – you can’t skip steps, you have to go from one step to another and not make jumps based on what looks to be the truth and what “everyone” knows is going on. If we go step by step, we will logically see and deeply understand what is really happening.
The Chovos Halevavos tells us that it is normal to look at things through the lens of immediate cause and effect. We see something, so we assume that whatever happened just before or whatever looks like the cause is in fact the true cause. But, in reality – the world doesn’t work like that. We have to delve deeply into the Torah – so we have the ability to see and understand what is really going on. So, let’s go back to the beginning.
As you all know, the world was created in 6 days and Hashem rested on the seventh. On the sixth day, Hashem created Adam. Although, Hashem said: “It is not good for man to be alone,” He did not yet create Chavah. He waited. Why? Having given Adam a special wisdom of understanding an animal’s essence, He set the animals before Adam so he could name each one in accordance to their nature. Adam then noticed something interesting. He saw that all the animals were created male and female – only he was alone without a match.
Adam observed this lack and davened to Hashem for his match. (notice: this is part of the rules book of the world. Hashem created the world which runs and is governed under certain “rules”. This is “nature”. One of the rules that Hashem set up, according to Rav Yerucham Levovitz, renowned mashgiach of the Mirer Yeshiva, is that mankind is supposed to notice what is missing in the world that needs to be there and then to daven to Hashem to request those very things (we’ll talk why this is so in future newsletters). Adam first learned this concept when he noticed that the trees and grass were just under the ground and there needed rain for the vegetation to grow. At that point, Adam davened for rain. It started to pour and the trees and grass grew (rashi – perek 2, possuk 5).) So too, Adam noticed that he was missing a female zivug and davened.
Only then, did Hashem create Chava and bring her to Adam. The pesukim then say: “Therefore a man should leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” And, so from then on – there was a male and a female and the concept of marriage came to be. Once Hashem created a separate male and a separate female, Adam was given the mitzvah of procreating the world.
So let’s recap: in the very first parasha of the Torah, we learn that there was a shidduch crisis – there was one man and no women. The situation could not have been more dire. Statistics were definitely not in Adam’s favor. And yet, Adam did not panic. He called out to Hashem and asked for a spouse. Although Hashem said: “It’s not good for man to be alone,” He did not give Chavah to Adam until Adam himself realized that there was a problem and cried out to Him.
So, the very first lesson we learn in the Torah is that a person should look around and notice what is needed in the world and in their service of Hashem and daven for that thing. So, the first step in our journey together is to be aware and notice and feel that you are lacking the other part of your neshama – and daven. Really, really feel that lack. Feel that rip in your soul. It can be so painful – I know. Now, daven from that pain, daven from your heart. Hashem desires your tefillos – they are important to Him and they are part of the very system that Hashem created when setting up the natural rules of the world.
Depending on what you have experienced so far, even hearing this can be so painful. But, if you stay on this journey with me, I will help you get to the other side. But to get there, we often have to feel what we need and daven to Hashem from that pain.
I know – you’ve davened already and aren’t sure if you need to keep davening. I know – some of you can’t even daven anymore. I know some of you are concerned about what’s the point of all this – if there are no guys or no good guys out there, anyways. I plan on discussing all of your concerns plus much more in future newsletters – so bear with me. But, we need to take this one step at a time, building on the step before.
So, please come along on our journey together where we will discover and learn all about shidduchim. We will look shidduchim in the eyes and discover if there really is a demographic issue and, if not, what is the cause of so many singles not married. We will look at all the theories out there, all the issues that people have with shidduchim, and see what is really going on. We will learn together what the Torah, what chazal and the sefarim say about shidduchim and nisyonos, in general. And we will learn how to correctly navigate the shidduch maze. So, please, if you wish, come along on this journey with me, and stay tuned…
Please e-mail me any questions you have about shidduchim – I want to address each and every one of your questions and concerns in these newsletters.
Have a wonderful day and an amazing shabbos!
A number of people have asked me when am I starting again my weekly shidduch interactive zoom program – Shidduchim: The Inside-Out Approach. If I get enough interest, I plan on starting it very, very soon! I’d love to get at least 10 people – so, if you would like to join, please let me know and bring a friend! For those of you who don’t know what it’s about and for those of you who have heard about it, but want to know more – here’s the story.
I am offering a live zoom support program for women of all ages where we explore how to navigate the shidduch maze calmly and with menuchas hanefesh. This is shidduch coaching from the inside-out. This is for people who want to be inspired, who are interested in growing and learning about themselves. This is for people who want to develop inner emotional resources so they can date calmly and clearly.
This program is a lot of fun – you can ask me any question you want about shidduchim in any class. We will go into depth and explore so, so many topics and I will give you tons of skills to help you regain your hope, to empower you, to support you, and to guide you in dating and building relationships. We will explore hashkafic topics such as dealing with nisyonos, ratzon, tefillah, bitachon, and hishtadlus. I plan on teaching you a number of emotional skills that will help you date calmly, that will help you to listen to your inner voice, so you can be your own best friend. I will teach you what I have learned about what makes relationships works, how to develop a relationship with a guy, how to know if he is right for you or not, and how to get relationships to progress so you get to a place of clarity – either breaking up or getting married. And, most importantly, I want to help you discover who you are, what your values are, what are your goals, what kind of personality you most connect with, and so, so much more.
The classes will be recorded, so if sometimes you have to miss one, you will still get the group effect and see everyone in the group as we talk about all things related to shidduchim. (though, what’s really fun about this is getting to know each other and supporting each other and learning these skills together with each other).
I am planning on doing it 3 out of every 4 weeks for $47. You pay monthly (meaning, every 4 weeks) and can unsubscribe whenever you want (hopefully, because you have gotten engaged! 🙂 ) We will be meeting on Sundays, though I don’t know yet what time – so, if you have certain times that work best for you and you would like to join, please let me know your preferences. (I live in Israel so there is a 7 hour difference between my time and EST).
If you have any questions, please reply to this e-mail or if you would like to set up a time to talk to find out more about this program, please feel free to e-mail me to set up a time for a free call so we can figure out if this program is the right fit for you (If not, don’t worry – I offer other options that might be a better fit for your particular needs).
Please feel free to forward this newsletter to a friend – anyone can subscribe to these newsletters for free: www.tinyletter.com/mnucha or just e-mail me at mnuchabialik@datingwithmnucha.
I’d love to hear from you!!!!!