Shidduchim- Is Hashem In Or Out Of The Picture?

M’nucha Bialik, International Shidduch Coach

There is an interesting, weird phenomenon that we see happens when it comes to shidduchim.  For some reason, when it comes to shidduchim, we take Hashem out of the picture.  For some reason, when it comes to shidduchim, all the concepts and deep hashkafos that we have learned in Beis Yaakov and seminary, cease to exist.  For some reason, when it comes to shidduchim, sifrei mussar and machshava don’t apply.

We live our lives as nice frum Jews, and then all of a sudden, when it comes to shidduchim, we panic and go into hysteria.  Although we clearly know and believe that Hashem created the world, is a part of the world, continues to watch over and guide everything and everyone in the world, there is a feeling that when it comes to shidduchim,  Hashem closes His eyes and leaves us to our own devices.

Does it truly make sense that when we are talking about the building of future Jewish families, the creation of future neshamos, the combining of two halves of a soul, that Hashem just walked out and said, “This is too tough for Me – you deal with it!”  Does it make sense that Hashem, who wants us to be holy and wants us to do his mitzvos, suddenly when it comes to shidduchim, doesn’t care what we do as long as we get married?

I have seen this phenomenon on so many levels.  Here, in Israel, there are boys who only want to date girls who are in “hi-tech” and whose parents offer a certain amount of money because then the girls will be able to support their families for many years.  In America, women who are “just” teachers have a harder time getting a shidduch as mother-in-laws worry how their sons will survive in learning if the woman doesn’t earn enough.  People say “yes” or “no” to shidduchim based on external factors that have nothing to do with how well the two people will potentially like each other, connect with each other, or share compatible hashkafos and values. 

There are people who think that even if a woman feels uncomfortable sending a picture, going to a mixed event, doing things that she feels is inappropriate, she won’t get a shidduch as even if these things are not completely kosher, it’s just what you have to do nowadays.

There are strange “facts” proclaimed in the shidduch world, that the reason there are single women not married is because the boys didn’t go out and get married at 21 years old.  That is all nonsense!!!!!!

There is a Hashem in this world.  This same Hashem is out there with the soldiers in Gaza and this same Hashem is in the battlefield of shidduchim.  He is orchestrating things so that each single young man and young woman find each other at exactly the right time.

It is a miracle every time a young man and young woman get married and find their zivug.  It’s beautiful when twenty year olds find their bashert.  And it’s beautiful when singles in their thirties and forties find their zivug, find someone who they like and really connect with.

I have lost count on the number of single young women who have told me that there is a real shidduch crisis: they are 22 years old and have barely gone on any dates or haven’t gone on any date!  A month or two later, they e-mail me:  “by the way, I get a mazal tov – I have met my bashert!”  Is it a shidduch crisis if a girl only has to date one or two guys before she gets married while her brother has to date tens and tens of girls before finding his bashert?  Is that really a crisis?  Is that really so horrible?

Yes, there are women who have dated for years and have still not found their bashert.  I know.  And there are men who have dated for years and still have not found their bashert.  There are all sorts of nisyonos (challenges) in the world.  There are people who have been married for years who haven’t had a child yet.  There are people who don’t have jobs.  These things are painful.  These things are uncomfortable.  You may wish things to be different, but…. that does not mean that Hashem has gone and left the picture. 

I wish people would understand this.  If everyone would truly know that Hashem is real.  That Emunah is real.  That Hashem is completely involved in our lives.  That Bitachon is not some abstract idea.  It’s something that every one of us needs to work on.  We have to understand that nothing, nothing exists without Hashem. 

Every single Jew who is alive today is alive because their ancestors have survived miracles.  Hashem is part of our lives, down to its intricate details.  And we have to know that when it comes to our future livelihood, our future spouse, and every single thing that happens in our lives, Hashem is real, Hashem is here, watching lovingly over us and guiding us to go in the right way.

Since the war, there are many, many not frum people in Eretz Yisroel waking up and seeing Hashem in their lives.  They are keeping shabbos, wearing tzitzis and tefillin, doing more mitzvos because they realize that Hashem is part of their lives.  Rav Leuchter, a talmid of Rav Wolbe, in a recent lecture discusses the importance of us, frum Jews, following suit and putting Hashem in our lives – to make Hashem real in our lives.  It is now time for us, those who are frum, those who went to Beis Yaakov and seminaries, mesivtas and yeshivos, Jewish frum schools, to let go and stop trying to control everything.  We need to have bitachon and realize that our job is to daven, to do what’s right, and to have trust in Hashem. 

It’s time for all of us to realize:  Ein Od Milvado!  Nothing exists besides Hashem.  It’s time to recognize that Hashem is here now and He is with you now in the shidduch parsha, in the shidduch maze, in the shidduch jungle, and He loves you now!!!!

If you are not yet married, there is no reason to panic!  Hashem put you here, right now, in this place because this is exactly where you are supposed to be right now.  At the same time, He is guiding you and leading you to find your bashert, your zivug, the one who is perfect for you – so you will meet and recognize each other at exactly, exactly the right time.

Have a wonderful day!
M’nucha Bialik (international shidduch coach)

If you haven’t yet read or bought my book Don’t Panic!  How to Navigate the Shidduch Maze, it’s an excellent chanukah present and is on sale at Feldheim (you can also buy it through amazon or at your local Jewish bookstore – if they don’t have it, just ask them to get it).