Include A Photo?
a commentary from: Shidduchim101.com
There are different schools of thought about including a photo in the resume. It is a good practice to follow the norm in one’s social circle. If everyone else includes a photo in the resume, omitting the photo makes a shadchan or parent wonder what the single is trying to hide. On the other hand, including a photo is frowned upon in some Yeshivish circles as trying to “sell” the person on his/her looks. Another argument against including a photo is that it may give the other party a reason to reject a shidduch out of hand if they have preconceptions about their future spouse’s appearance. For example, a boy from a family of brunettes may not be used to brunettes and therefore think that he cannot marry one. If he would meet the girl, he might see beyond the hair color.
However, it is a good idea to send the shadchan a picture with the resume, since this helps keep the single in mind. If the parents do not want the picture to be sent to the other party, they should send the picture separately rather than together with the resume, and they should state their preference to the shadchan . Note: Rabbi Levi and Rabbi Lewenstein of Lakewood do not use pictures. Nonetheless, some parents of boys will only consider shidduch proposals after seeing the girl’s picture.
In the Yated Ne’eman’s Pesach Edition 5778 they addressed the following question to Rav Reuvein Feinstein:
What about chinuch habanos?
Rav Reuvein answers:
“We have a crisis that this caused. No, it is not the shidduch crisis. The shidduch crisis is sheker. Whoever believes it may be a kofer b’ikkar! The Gemara says bas ploni leploni. Hashem was gozer who every girl will marry. There is no shidduch crisis. What we do have is an education crisis. In the Bais Yaakovs, they teach that the girls should only marry the gadol hador. You have 1,000 girls, and there are maybe 20 to 30 potential gedolim. Now, there are 50 girls for every boy. All of a sudden, there’s a shidduch crisis! Chassidim don’t have a shidduch crisis. The Modern Orthodox don’t have a shidduch crisis. Why do we have a shidduch crisis? Because we are teaching the girls the wrong thing. There are plenty of ehrliche bochurim out there. All those boys should he in the same market as the rest of the metzuyanim. The girls would be very happy with these boys. They will take care of their wives. They will spend time with them and will be koveia ittim. They will be frum baalei batim and raise good children”
“I remember reading a letter from a seminary teacher,” recalls Rebbetzin Feinstein, “who wrote that she feels she is sentencing the girls in her class to a life of not being married. Her school insists that she teach them that they must only marry a ben Torah who will learn for a long time, and they are supposed to support and build Torah through their marriage. She goes on to write that she feels that ‘not all the girls can accept this, and they feel that they must. What can I do? My job is to teach this! I read that letter and I understood her concern.
“My mother-in-law used to give the following beracha to girls,” the rebbetzin continues. “She would say, ‘Im yirtzeh Hashem, you should marry a talmid chochom. Even if he has to go to work, but Torah should be the most important thing in your house!’ The biggest compliment that my father-in-law would give is ‘ehr iz zeiyer an ehrlicher.’”
“I tell the bochurim in yeshiva all the time,” the rosh yeshiva adds, “that some of them are baalei batim. They are koveia ittim. If you come to seder on time and leave on time, but you don’t learn extra, then you are just a regular koveia ittim. There are many fine baalei batim who have seder in learning. But if they have a day off from work, they walk around bored. Why don’t they learn? ‘Well, now it’s not the time for learning.’ He is only koveia ittim. But if it’s not time for learning, he doesn’t learn. A true ben Torah always has Torah on his mind. He would learn all the time, but what should he do? He has to make parnassah. The moment he has a free minute, he’s back at the Gemara. That’s a ben Torah” (Excerpted from the Yated Ne’eman, Pesach 5778, Maggid, pages 38-40).